~RexIdiotarum

Life's still so fucked up.

I've been hearing about this song a lot lately, a few guys at work joke about it, and I heard people reference me with the song, so I looked it up. It's apparently from a scene of Silence of the Lambs. The thing is, I really don't get what's worth the joking about. It's either the girl's failure in retrieving that damned dog. ((More depressing than funny)) Or "Buffalo" Bill practicing self-expression as a female.

It's the latter.

And now... I feel like a freak.

Because, minus the girl in the well, parts of that scene are familiar, nail polish, lipstick, tucking, and you know what's fucked up? The entire deal. I... I don't know. I usually don't get offended. But I was almost crying when I thought about it all. When I confronted the guy at work about the scene, he tried to dismiss the humor, and when I professed that I was transsexual, it got all uncomfortable until he pushed on another subject.

And, that's the part that really made me depressed. The fact that rather than go, "Oh, that's cool." or ask questions, he made his presumption about transsexuality, and treated it like... something that should be kept a secret. Something I should be embarrassed about.

And, that's the thing, I don't want to be embarrassed, I don't want to be ashamed of admitting myself and showing myself to the world, but I still fear the world will come back and tell me off. That it's my problem and no one has to know.

And it's so much that mentality that has me feeling like I am completely alone in the world, with no one to look me in the eyes, and say, "It's cool to be yourself."

Morality as you see it is hardly morality as I see it. I follow god's plan because I know that plan does not exist in a book or a phrase. It exists in my heart, something that couldn't be called instincts because it's too set in the little day to day things, one of which, I'm sure you'll be surprised to find out, is becoming a girl.

I'm a transsexual, and I feel whatever metaphysical entity inside me telling me what to do. You can call it a demon, a delusion, an obsession or paraphernalia, but I know otherwise. I know and have experienced both sides of the curtain. I know what it feels like to read a book and want to believe, to have to believe. I know what it feels like to start to waver that, to start to question the fallibility of man, the fallibility of a man who would so attempt to put his words into god's mouth, utterly defiling both in the process, using whatever metaphysical entity's existence as a puppet for their own gain; of conquer and conquest.

I have seen heaven in the eyes of a beautiful woman, I have seen hell in my own reflection, I have felt things you have shown me to not understand and you have called me evil for doing only what I have to to survive in this cruel world created by whatever cruel deities there are if there are such a thing. And You! You have the nerve to tell me, one who has always went out of my way to see a smile on a friend's face, always held the door open for an old lady, always sighs in horror at the mistreatment of another person, the smug attitudes of arrogant ones over others, the horrors that carelessness offer among this beautiful stretch of land, the litters of the apathetic, you have the nerve to tell me, one who has has come to the understanding that Altruism and Empathy mean a lot more than just words in mouth, to tell me that I'm Evil.

Because I took the time to seek answers, because I took to time to understand, to be who I am, and not someone others want me to be.

I am Prudence, more erroneously named Curtis on my identification: I am a Bisexual Virgin Transsexual, agnostic, left-winged, left handed, and proud. There is not a damn thing you can do about that. I know, cause there is not a damn thing I can do about that.

See, that's the only thing I don't get, you come to me and say that I have to choose a religion, or else I'm going to hell. But each one promises me the same thing, that all other religions are fake and worshiping them will send me to hell as well. The true religion is one that was lost thirty-six thousand years ago, and because of that, we are all going to hell.

Hm... would that be fair? God is suppose to be fair and just, right? Why the hell would a benevolent deity have so much strife and sectarianism amongst their own worshipers. I'm not even talking about the heroin addicted baby born prematurely and set to die only a few hours later. I'm not talking about the miraculous fuck-ups that pertained to getting someone like Bush elected, not once, but Twice! I'm talking about Catholics and Protestants, I'm talking Sunni and Shia. Cause, God's will is set in stone, it is unquestionable, shouldn't all worshipers of the same god actually get along with one another?

And while I can fathom a possible answer to that question, I'd rather not make assumptions upon deities, or talk like I have talked to them personally. Do I believe them to exist. I know they do. Do I have proof? Metaphysics is about the absence of proof, I cannot define it like that.

But sometimes, sometimes when I least expect it, I will have an odd sensation to do something, something completely odd, occasionally enough to make me comment on why I did that. And at that time, or in the near future, something will justify doing that action. I assume this to be either a manifestation of psychic powers, proof that reality is all but a dream of mine, or that I'm insane, or one of the other solipsist arguments, or maybe, just maybe, this is the only way a large, omnipotent being can talk to us, with vague impulses.

And aliens.

You may question me. And I may tell you, like any wise person would say, I don't always have all the answers, I'm not always the grandmaster planner behind things, someone else is. What being could possibly be powerful enough to pull my strings? The Devil? God? Who the fuck knows? But, not one of these impulses or premonitions have ever resulted in a bad thing, usually they help in my aiding of a person. So I think it might be whatever good entity there is. But I really can't say. Can you?

Can you just tell me that I'm one of those spiritual nutbags I seem to despise for believing in questionable things? Can you tell me you aren't?

In 2367, Crispy Era, ((They now refer to it as C.E.)), War between America and Canada Erupted. The Entire Canadian army, ten men and a tank, held strong against America's large forces. The Now crippled America was then assaulted from down under, that's right. Australia, exploiting America's losses, came up and took over California. By this point, earthquakes have shifted California into the middle of the Pacific, so it wasn't as long of a trip as back in the day. With the Break of the Australia-America war, France came out with their ambitions of taking over the world. Unsurprisingly, they surrendered the next day, and some British bankers just took up the plan. They succeeded, with the exemption of one territory still held by the rebel forces. They now call it "Freeland," But back in the day, it was called Japan. This is my home. I'm Hutsu Tyora, and this is my story.

*Completely Irrelevant opening credits with a rather inappropriate theme song here.*

My love returned today, I turned her on, and went to play. Yup, I'm back on my computer, to find that they replaced a few parts... and all my settings, documents, and stuff.

Ah, well... at least I have it back.

Yeah, I'll be without a computer for a week or so... Just so you don't think I've died or anything.

Time to beat DS games, I guess.